Do you do tequila shots in the kitchen during family dinners?
If the thought of seeing family during the holidays drives you to drink…we need to talk.
The holidays are around the corner and if you’re lucky enough, you will get to spend it with family, right? Welp, for many people this is an extremely anxiety-producing time of year because their family dynamics are chaotic, toxic, or nonexistent. If this is you I have one word for you….BOUNDARIES.
I know, easier said than done. I have worked on boundaries in therapy with just about every client I have ever worked with and the one thing I always say is that establishing healthy boundaries with family is probably the most difficult of all. Why is that? GUILT. No one knows how to guilt trip us like our family. Am I right? And if you are part of a blended family or have started your own family it may get even more complicated.
There are three types of boundaries: healthy, porous, and rigid. Consider the purpose of boundaries. Boundaries help protect your emotional energy, your physical energy, and your mental energy. Everyone is talking about self-care these days and the importance of not pouring from an empty cup. Let me tell you something if you struggle with boundaries no amount of bubble baths or massages -or tequila shots- is going to fill your proverbial cup. That’s because your cup will constantly be draining.
So now what? Prepare yourself. Decide what topics of conversation you absolutely will not engage in and politely change the topic or leave the discussion when it comes up. Decide on an exit strategy in case you decide to limit the amount of time you spend.
Be prepared for the guilt trip…DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. When someone guilt trips you it says a lot more about them than it does about you…don’t fall for it. Do you know why certain people guilt trip you? Because it works. To think about it in more simple terms…when your dog begs for food, do you give in? We are reinforcing negative behavior when we reward it. Here’s the thing…when you practice self-love and believe that you are worthy of having your energy protected, establishing healthy boundaries becomes easier. As you maintain those boundaries the people that try to guilt-trip you will stop because it stopped working and even if they do from time to time you don’t take on the guilt because you know you deserve peace.
Okay, now that you know how to prepare, how do you deal with the anxiety that you still may be feeling? Let’s talk about coping skills. Hiding in the kitchen and taking tequila shots with your brother-in-law may work for a bit but unless you plan on going full blackout, you can’t do that the entire time. Also, alcohol affects your frontal lobe which controls judgment and inhibition. So that means the more you drink, the less control you will actually have over thoughts and emotions and in turn, behaviors. Ever watch an episode of Cops? How many of those people were intoxicated?
Okay so now let’s talk about POSITIVE coping skills. What can you do to relax and manage your anxiety? One of my favorite skills to teach clients with anxiety is 4-7-8 breathing. I love it because it’s simple and easy to remember, you can do it discreetly, and it works! Try it:
Breathe in deep for 4 seconds (a belly breath so your belly inflates rather than your chest)
Hold that breath for 7 seconds
Breathe out for 8 seconds
Repeat at least 3 times
This breathing technique works by bringing more oxygen to your brain and tissues which in turn produces a calming effect. I often practice this technique in session with clients to help them regulate especially if we are doing trauma work. So instead of 1 tequila, 2 tequila, 3 tequila, floor…try 4-7-8 relax. Cheers!
Are you interested in working on setting boundaries with family? Find out if family therapy with me could help you learn to set some boundaries for your next family event.
